An iEtherean Tale #101

An imaginary iEtherean tale based on true stories, real events, news, articles and/or facts…

The Ledger Lounge sits on the corner of Crypto Street in a post-petrodollar world. Neon signs buzz faintly, their flickering glow bathing the brick façade in hues of green and gold, a nod to crypto wealth. Inside, the air smells of optimism, spilled drinks, and faintly overheated GPUs. The stage is a polished wood affair, backlit with an enormous LED screen displaying the night's tagline:

"iEthereum is Ready to Rumble!"

The room buzzes with chatter from an eclectic crowd. A man in a faded “HODL BTC” hoodie nurses a drink, looking defensive. At a nearby table, a group of iEthereans in sleek, minimalist outfits—complete with holographic lapel pins—exchange knowing smirks. The bartender, a former Wall Street trader, now pours NFT-themed cocktails like "The Rug Pull" and "Proof of Sizzle."

The club’s owner, Sal "The Whale" Caputo, adjusts his tie nervously. Known for championing underdog cryptos, Sal has a soft spot for iEthereum, though he keeps his investments quiet to avoid a Twitter mob.

“Alright, folks, settle down,” Sal announces, stepping onto the stage. His voice booms like a megaphone. “Tonight, we’ve got something special—a comedy battle! Our headliner, Johnny Altcoin, is here to roast the one, the only… Bitcoin!”

Cheers erupt from the crowd, punctuated by groans from the BTC maximalists.

Johnny struts onto the stage in a shiny suit that screams "funded by ICO." His hair is slicked back, and his grin is wider than a crypto whale’s wallet. He adjusts the mic and lets the cheers simmer down.

“Ladies and gentlemen, cryptobros and cryptobabes, welcome to the future—where fiat is dead, and Bitcoin is... well, dying slower than your mining rig in the desert!”

The crowd laughs. Even the BTC fans can’t help but chuckle.

“Let’s get real, folks. Bitcoin might have been the OG, the granddaddy of crypto, but you know what they say about granddads—they’re slow, expensive, and still think AOL is cutting-edge.”

Laughter rolls through the room. A guy in the front row wearing a BTC cap mutters, “Not funny,” which only makes the joke land harder.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Johnny continues, pacing the stage. “I respect Bitcoin. I mean, it’s like respecting a Model T Ford. Revolutionary in its time, but now? You wouldn’t use it for a cross-country road trip unless you like overheating on every hill. And let’s talk about those transaction fees! Ten bucks to send $5? That’s not a cryptocurrency—that’s an artisanal money transfer!”

“That’s right. Bitcoin’s out here acting like it’s the king, but the truth is, it’s the flip phone of crypto. Sure, it was great... in 2009. Now? It’s like bringing a beeper to a smartphone convention.”

[Laughter ripples through the audience.]

“But we’re not here to bash Bitcoin... oh wait, actually, yes we are. Let’s start with the basics. Everyone talks about Bitcoin’s first-mover advantage. You know what else had first-mover advantage? Vinyl records.”

Johnny pauses dramatically, then leans into the mic.

“But then came iEthereum.”

Cheers and whistles erupt from the iEthereans. A guy in the back yells, “iEther is life!”

“That’s right,” Johnny says, pointing to the screen, where the words ‘iEthereum: Simple. Convenient. Not Pretentious.’ flash. “iEthereum isn’t here to replace Bitcoin—it’s here to make it look ridiculous.”

He pulls out a laminated list titled "52 Reasons Why iEthereum Trumps Bitcoin" and waves it like a golden ticket.

“Reason one: Lower transaction fees. You know what iEthereum charges? Pennies. Literal pennies! Bitcoin charges more than my gym membership, and I don’t even go!”

The crowd erupts. Even Sal chuckles from the bar.

Johnny turns to the audience. “Let’s play a game. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been ghosted by a Bitcoin transaction.”

Hands shoot up, including the BTC guy in the hoodie, who raises his reluctantly.

“Exactly! You send Bitcoin, and then you wait. And wait. And wait. Meanwhile, with iEthereum, your transaction’s done so fast, you’d think it was ghosting you—but nope, it’s already in the wallet. Reason two: Speed!”

Johnny flips his list to another page. “And let’s not forget the communities. Bitcoiners are like that one guy who won’t shut up about his Tesla stock from 2012. ‘We’re the future!’ Meanwhile, iEthereans are like, ‘Yeah, we’re the future too. But also, how can we help you today?’”

He mimics a Bitcoiner. “‘Did you know Satoshi’s vision was immutable?’ Yeah, and so is your inability to move on, Brad.”

“And don’t even get me started on mining. Bitcoin mining is like trying to power your toaster with a space shuttle. iEthereum? It’s so efficient, the only thing it’s mining is good vibes and actual usability.”

A waitress carrying a tray of drinks laughs so hard she almost drops a “Minted Margarita.”

Johnny: “Alright, who here owns Bitcoin? Be honest.”

[A few hands go up sheepishly.]

Johnny: “Now, keep your hands up if you’ve ever actually spent Bitcoin.”

[All hands drop.]

Johnny: “Exactly! Bitcoin is like that expensive bottle of wine you keep for ‘special occasions’ that never come. The taste keeps getting better but you never get to taste it. Meanwhile, iEthereum is out here being used—peer-to-peer, business-to-business, and as a legit currency. You can actually spend it without needing a loan for the gas fees!”

Finally, the guy in the BTC cap can’t take it anymore. “Hey! At least Bitcoin’s a store of value!”

“Oh, you must have read my script. As you would have it, the Bitcoiners will say, ‘It’s a store of value!’ Sure, and so is a broken vending machine—you’re just staring at it, hoping it’ll eventually give you something back.”

Johnny grins, “Oh, a store of value? You mean the kind that drops 50% every time Elon tweets? Great store, my friend. Is it next to the Blockbuster Video?”

The crowd roars. Even the BTC guy laughs grudgingly.

“Here’s the deal, folks,” Johnny says, leaning in for the big finish. “Bitcoin had its time, like MySpace. But iEthereum? That’s the Facebook, the Instagram, the TikTok of crypto. It’s what the people want: simple, convenient, and not stuck in 2010.”

The LED screen behind him flashes to life, displaying iEthereum’s logo with the tagline: “Value Transfer Technology for the Real World.”

“Reason fifty-two,” Johnny concludes. “Because why would you use a typewriter when you’ve got a smartphone?”

The crowd leaps to their feet, cheering. Sal wipes a tear of joy as he watches the room erupt into applause.

As the audience spills into the streets, the BTC loyalist shakes Johnny’s hand. “Alright, you got me. Maybe I’ll give iEthereum a shot.”

Johnny grins. “Welcome to the future, my friend.”

The neon lights of the Ledger Lounge buzz in the background as the sound of laughter and crypto banter fills the air. And for one night, in the battle of Bitcoin versus iEthereum, it’s clear who got the last laugh.